I’m seeing a rash of marital problems among my friends and colleagues outside of the church lately and I am moved to speak again on marriage and family values. 

These are all first hand stories of spouses who have done terrible things to destroy their marriages – marriages that involved children.  Children being hurt cuts me deeper than just about anything.  It bothers me so bad that I have to shut out the details of these stories and even cut my communication with the parties involved in the divorces back.  When the nightly news comes on, which always leads with the day’s most despicable crimes, I have the mute button at the ready.  I really can’t stand to hear treacherous stories of crimes against the innocent.  It is apparently ingrained in me to feel empathy towards the weak and the oppressed.

As you all know, I am no marriage counselor and am not even remotely qualified to give advice on such matters in a professional manner.  However, I am comfortable speaking about traditional values, how they are supported by the scriptures, the benefits of these values, and also the bad things that happen as a result of abandoning these values.

My parents raised me in the most traditional of homes.  My father worked two jobs for as long as I could remember and my mother’s job was running the household and raising the kids.  I was number 6 and their last natural child.  My youngest sibling is 9 years older than I, so after she left home, I was an only child.... for a while.  My brother got a divorce when I was about 13 and, due to circumstances, his two small children - babies actually - were placed with my folks and me by the courts.  These two kids never saw their biological parents again until the older decided to reach out to both of them after she left home.  I don’t believe younger has yet to meet his biological parents.  Ultimately, my mom raised kids for 48 years straight.

My folks never said a cross word about my brother and held out hope that he would return and fulfill his parental obligations, both the ethical ones and the ones required by the courts.  He didn’t, yet they still wait for him to call, write, or anything to show remorse and to ask forgiveness.  

What I learned from my parents was how to be a husband and father.  While they are in another church, they are very devout Christians and they used the Christian model for their marriage.  They do not believe in divorce and they stuck together through some really, really difficult times.  I mean really tough times – like my dad having to work two low paying jobs at a time, putting in 18 hours a day, for years on end, in order to keep my tummy full and keep the heat on (well in Las Vegas where I grew up, the A/C is much more important than the heat, but you get the picture).  Even in these conditions, when the court decided that my brother’s kids needed to come live with grandma and grandpa, my folks took on the added responsibility and the risk of adding years to their “scraping by”.  Well, that risk was realized and the two babies that arrived via the court system remained under my parents watchful and compassionate care until they became adults. 

Some of those difficult times included dealing with a teenage boy who rebelled and caused much more trouble than he was worth.  One story that got preached a lot in the church of my youth was that of the prodigal son.  So, once that teenaged boy grew up and wanted to have a relationship with his folks again, they took him back and forgot about all the mischief of the past.  Even along the way, when I er, um, I mean, he made mistakes and needed help, they continued to help out financially, even while he was not walking on the straight and narrow.

My folks took their wedding vows long before I was conceived.  By the time I came around, my folks already had 5 kids, the youngest being 9 years old at my birth.  Then add in that they had to raise two of my brother’s kids, and my folks raised kids for 48 years.  Those 48 years also included many job and geography changes for them.  Prior to the Vietnam war, my mom and the 5 kids before me lived in the Philippines while my dad served in the CIA in Vietnam.  After the CIA, they lived north of San Diego for I don’t know how long while my dad was a sheriff, and then on to ‘fabulous’ Las Vegas where I was born in 1973.  After many trials and tribulations, putting up with kids who were much more trouble than they should have been, money trouble at times so bad that we had to live in our motor home behind some guys house for two years before we could MOVE UP to a double-wide trailer, one thing stayed constant throughout – their commitment to each other – their marriage. 

The concept of marriage is very, very important in Christian as well as secular life.  In secular life, we must be able to have faith in the commitments we make with others and that others make with us.  When we sign a contract, we really, really need to honor those contracts.  When we sign a lease on an apartment, we need to have faith that when we get home from work each day, our key will work in the lock on the front door of that dwelling.  Conversely, the landlord must have confidence that we will pay our rent on time.  The secular world we live in is almost entirely built upon trust in commitments and contracts.  Marriage is a far bigger commitment than a simple financial arrangement.  Now, I’m talking about traditional marriage, not the modern attempt to hijack marriage as the union of two people of the same sex.  Most often when same sex “marriage” is pitched, it simply is just a financial agreement that allows one of the partners to bequeath stuff to the other or to share benefits.  But the traditional marriage is a bond between two people of the opposite sex that says from the moment that covenant is entered into forward, those two people will be completely committed to each other until separated by death – or in other words separated by God.  In fact, most often the wedding vows contain the words “’til death do us part”. 

But now I am bleeding into the Biblical meaning of marriage, which of course is the ONLY meaning of marriage.  There are some really important parallels of marriage in the scriptures.

When we look at Christ and the Father, I think of this scripture:

"I and the Father3962 are one1520."

(Joh 10:30)

Jesus says he and the Father ARE one.  Not IS one.  We have two with one mind here.  A commitment so incredibly strong that it is unbreakable.  Unshakeable, everlasting, permanent, and perfect.  The ultimate contract, covenant, commitment is illustrated between the Son of God and the Father.  This should be our goal for the agreements we as Christians make, but it is essential that we strive for this goal in our marriages.  Thinking of your spouse often, imagining what he or she is doing, calling spontaneously or sending a text message a day, or doing whatever you can to keep that bond intact throughout the days, months, and years together is essential.  If your relationship with your spouse is like this, then trust and love will abound, and you will be in for the best times of your life.  You will be a light to others around you, hopefully as Christians and as bride and groom.

Please turn to second Corinthians chapter 11.

Looking further into the scriptures we see that the church and Christ are analogized in the terms of a wedding:

I wish that you would bear with me in a little foolishness; but indeed you are bearing with me. For I am jealous for you with a godly jealousy; for I betrothed you to one husband, so that to Christ I might present you as a pure virgin. But I am afraid that, as the serpent deceived Eve by his craftiness, your minds will be led astray from the simplicity and purity of devotion to Christ.

(2Co 11:1-3)

Paul uses the marriage relationship to illustrate the bond the church needs to have with the Mediator.  My guess is that the purest relationship between man and woman joining together as one flesh is the closest thing we have on earth to compare to the relationship Christ wants to have with us.

In order that we prepare for the return of Christ and our joining with Him at the marriage supper of the Lamb, we should apply as much commitment to our earthly marriages as possible.  For this, I look to my parents’ marriage.

My parents did not teach me in the traditional lecturing sense of the word to become a spouse or a father.  They did this through their example.  Even when times were as tough as times could be, they still sacrificed so I could have new clothes to start the new school year.  My feet and, well, all of me, grew non-stop when I was a teen, and that added another financial burden.  They sacrificed.  My niece and nephew, whom I normally refer to as my brother and my sister, needed diapers, formula, and new clothing continually as well.  My father never complained nor have I ever heard him utter a swear word.  He simply worked more hours or got another second job that paid a little bit more than the last one.  My mother would make incredible sacrifices - even waiting until the children were full before eating at times.  I remember years where she refused new clothing and cut her own hair while our needs were met.

In my mind, these continual sacrifices parallel the sacrifice that Christ made for us.  He took our stripes when He did not have to.  He voluntarily died so that we may have the chance at eternal life.  My parents sacrificed much for me, but even more for my niece and nephew.  I draw a parallel here between the Israelites and the Gentiles, with me playing the part of the Israelite as a natural born son and my niece and nephew being adopted Gentiles. 

My marriage will turn 10 years old next month, on May 22.  Boy, I sure hope I got that date right...  I believe that our recipe for success was ordained by God.  I truly believe that “what God was joined together, let not man separate”.  When Diana decided that I was going to be her husband, (I am not exaggerating), I was on the tail end of my rebellious and partying phase.  Through a series of events that happened too close together and too perfectly to be coincidence, like a couple of friends moving away at the same time, we were brought together and it just made sense.

Shortly after our marriage, I got a job offer that was a big step up in life and but required us relocate to northern CA.  This served to insulate us from distractions and made us live very close together.  A year and a half later, we were relocated here to Kansas City, further putting us dependent upon each other and eliminating outside influences.  While this is probably not going to happen for the most people, I hope that anyone out there who is newly married or is going to be can at least “virtually” isolate their marriage from “the world” for a year or so at least.  Diana and I being able to completely focus on each other without outside influences and immerse ourselves in our marriage really helped set a very strong foundation for our marriage.

Another thing that happened was that our marriage made me challenge my religious beliefs.  Diana is a third generation Sabbath keeping Christian and this motivated me to study the scriptures and subsequently history to educate myself in the ways of the LORD.  They say that a family that prays together stays together, and while it sounds corny, it is absolutely true.  For you new couples out there, or even the more “seasoned” spouses, please study the scriptures together.  If you both focus on the LORD and study together, you will stay close to Him and each other.

Please don’t listen to negative influences.  I can’t tell you how many times I heard, “How are you and Diana?”, asks baby-boomer aged friend.  “Great”, replies newlywed Christopher.  “Oh just give it a year, things will change” replies baby-boomer aged friend.  You can cut and paste that conversation at a year in our marriage, 2 years, 5 years, and so on from a number of people.  Well, Mr. baby-boomer aged friend, just because your marriage didn’t work out so well, that doesn’t mean mine has to as well.  Diana and I have a bond and a trust that is really special.  If we can do it, then so can others.

When we started having kids, it did get a little rough.  Men, by and large, simply can’t empathize with a pregnancy or child birth.  I believe we aren’t wired to do so.  I inadvertently put too much pressure on Diana after we had Brent and that stressed her out a ton.  But we learned together, my bruises healed, and now that we are done having kids, we are finally good at it!  This was another area where people wanted to give us a lot of advice, on “rearing” children (in case Jennifer is listening).  Well, my advice to those looking to have children is to just be very, very patient.  As you all know, our three children are incredibly different from each other.  Each had or has different sleeping patterns, different dietary needs, and different social needs.  Darwin gave a study on this a while back and I think I got a kink in my neck nodding in agreement that day.  Children are usually different and parents are different, but if you and your spouse are committed to each other, to the LORD, and to your children, you will get through just fine.

But now back to the present state of affairs.  Each generation has thought it was living in the end times.  Rick gave a sermon on this last year and said he stopped counting at 2000 times the world was predicted to come to and end but it did not.  However, each generation has indeed had characteristics that would indicate it is near the end.  Look now to Second Timothy chapter 3:

II Timothy

3 1 Know this also, that in the last days grievous times will be on us . 2 For men will be self-lovers, money-lovers, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, 3 without natural affection, unyielding, false accusers, without self-control, savage, despisers of good, 4 traitors, reckless, puffed up, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5 having a form of godliness, but denying the power of it; even turn away from these. 6 For of these are those who creep into houses and lead captive silly women loaded with sins, led away with different kinds of lusts, 7 ever learning and never able to come to the full knowledge of the truth. 8 But as Jannes and Jambres withstood Moses, so these also resist the truth, men of corrupt mind, reprobate concerning the faith. 9 But they shall proceed no further. For their foolishness shall be plain to all, as theirs also became.

10 But you have fully known my doctrine, manner of life, purpose, faith, long-suffering, love, patience, 11 persecutions, afflictions, such as happened to me at Antioch, at Iconium, at Lystra. What persecutions I endured! But the Lord delivered me out of all. 12 Yea, and all who desire to live godly in Christ Jesus shall suffer persecution. 13 But evil men and seducers will go forward to worse, deceiving and being deceived. 14 But continue in the things that you have learned and have been assured of, knowing from whom you have learned them , 15 and that from a babe you have known the Holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise to salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. 16 All Scripture is God-breathed, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, 17 that the man of God may be perfected, thoroughly furnished to every good work.

Unfortunately, the times we live in fulfill this prophesy.  Granted, so  has all time since about the 60‘s (thanks again, baby-boomers).  Marriages are breaking up in record fashion, children are coming from broken homes,  society is incredibly far from God, and this cycle does not look to be letting up any time soon.  This is the sad state of affairs in which we live, but we need to be lights to show people the right path.  We need to make the difficult choices and compromises to do our best to end the debauchery and show the world that there is a better way. 

I hope that no one thinks I am condemning or passing judgment on anyone.  God deals us the cards He deals us and we have to play that hand.  My life is close to the traditional, Biblical standard by the grace of God.  He has chosen to give me other challenges and I am eternally grateful that he has blessed me with Diana, Brent, Vonnie, and Alex.  Many people have been dealt a different hand.  My brother’s actions resulting in my folks having to raise his first two children was certainly ordained by God.  The older serves her country in the Coast Guard and the younger has given much in battle so that we can continue to live free.  God obviously wanted my folks to instill goodness in those two, so things had to happen the way they happened.  All we all can do is the best we can do.  If it is impossible to stay with your spouse because of abuse or because of adultery, please seek professional counseling and take the steps you need to take.  Jesus Christ said that it is indeed lawful to divorce in cases of adultery.  That’s what the Bible says and that is all I can speak to on the subject.  If you come from a broken home, I beg you to do everything possible to stop that cycle from continuing.  If you have made mistakes and find yourself in trouble, please swallow your pride and get help and do everything you can to prevent that cycle from continuing.  Grandparents, please make your houses and your arms wide open to your children and your grandchildren.  Sons and daughters, please do not hesitate to lean on your parents or grandparents for support.  Also, lean on your church and your brothers and sisters in Christ.  We have the most unique and loving congregation I have ever heard of.  This church is not focused on past mistakes and never conveys any sense of guilt to its members.  We are all sinners here in need of a saviour.  Just because some sins are more visible than others that does not make the visible worse worse.  All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.  All we can do is stop those sins, confess them to God in Jesus‘ name, and work to sanctify our lives.  Unfortunately sin will remain and even increase dramatically before Jesus returns, but rest assured, He will return and end the cycle of sin forever.